| Flow |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|09:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bed | ] |
| [ | Currently Feeling |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Currently Jammin To |
| | none | ] |
I'm tired. It's early. back at home from SLO. sucks. being home makes me so sad. like really sad. depression is never good. i wake up so sad that i feel physically sick. never want to go to work. it just goes by so slow. the business isn't doing very well at all. i hate standing around for 8 hours b/c there really is nothing, i mean nothing to do most days. some people say it's easy money, but i'd rather be busy for 8 hours straight and not have a break rather than do nothing at all. i have no friends here at home. which is my own fault too i guess. i don't take the time to call people around here and make plans. but even when i do the plans normally fall through anyways so there's no point. i have no car so i can't even go anywhere that the bus can't take me. i don't want to call someone up to hang out and be like oh so by the way can i get a ride, b/c I'm 19 and don't have a license or a car. fricken pathetic. everyone i work with is older than me too and they spend each night bar hopping so i can't hang out with any of them either. i don't really talk to my parents that much anymore either. i'm always sitting in my room, on my computer and watching tv. that's my life. i don't have money to do anything. i'd like to take dance lessons or tennis lessons, but i don't have the money. transportation would also be a bitch. where is all my money? my bank took alot of it b/c of one overdraft purchase. then i still have to pay off my credit card. and i need to defer my school loan since i can't start paying it back yet. i hate money. love it, but it causes too many problems. i just want to be back in school so bad. i miss school so much. you never think you will, but you do. i still need to put away about $600 for that, but that will take about three paychecks so i'm not worried. if all goes well i'll be back in school come january. i'm keeping my fingers crossed but not much has gone my way this year. so what good things do i have in my life. i have my irvine friends, but i don't really talk to them much. they're busy with school and such. i wish i could go back and visit but i really never have the time b/c of work and going up to SLO so much. i miss them all and feel us all growing apart. it's sad. then i have Cam in my life and i am just madly in love with him. he keeps me from going crazy and keeps me from being sad 24/7. my thoughts of him can make anything i'm going thru better. seeing him keeps me motivated to get thru each day knowing it brings me a day closer to him. really without him, i would have nothing in my life right now. i feel like i shouldn't be so dependent on our relationship to make me happy. i feel like i need something else in my life that can make me happy when I'm away from him. but i have nothing. and everytime i have to come home or he has to go back to school i just get so unbelievably sad b/c i have to go back to my lonely unhappy life. luckly we are always texting each other or talking online so that is great even though it makes me miss him so much. it honestly just feels like he's the only person that truly cares about me. i've never in my life felt more loved, safe, protected, happy, and worth while than when i'm with him. he means so much to me and i really do not know what I would do without him.
coming up i'm going to knotts scary farm for the first time on sat. that'll be fun. then at the end of the month i'm going dirt biking in the desert with Cam and his family. that will also be soo much fun and i can't wait. I'm happy it's fall now too. the weather is cooling down and the leaves are falling and it's just crisp and clean in the air. I love fall. and the holidays are coming up quick. my first holiday season with a boyfriend. I'm really excited. i hope we get snow too. that would make my winter. christmas time i love b/c of the cold and the holiday spirit that is everywhere. the smell of christmas trees and fires and egg nog. the music, the lights, the decorations. and work will be much busier too come november. so hopefully that will make my time there much better. I just want to fast forward through life sometimes. skip over all the hard parts, all the sadness, and just get to the fun, love filled, active parts of life.
but i know everyone would love to do this as well and i am not alone.
I need a change. something drastic. |
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| The Delta |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|02:32 pm] |
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For July 4th, Cam invited me up to northern Cali to stay at his family's house by the river. We drove up on the night of June 30th with his cousins Rory and Regan. They are really cool. Right away Rory and Cam started screaming at each other about which McDonalds we were going to. haha, their fighting continued alll weekend. It was funny. Then when they weren't yelling at each other, they were making fun of Regan. It took us about 5 or 6 hours to get up north. We got there at 2 something and went to bed. Then next day I met Cam's cousin Griff, his wife Jill and their really cute baby Logan. We went to the market and stocked up on food for the weekend. The rest of the time was just really relaxing and we hung out at home. And then went into town a few times, threw some chili dogs and signs, ect. haha. Most of the time they were all talking about the family and Cam shared a ton of family stories. It was nice sitting there listening to everthing. I don't have any family stories since I really don't have any family except my parents. It was nice seeing family together and being there with them. I've never had that and I really wish I did have family that gets together and does stuff. I think i'll just adopt Cams. haha. I had a lot of fun. It was good to get away and have nothing to do. We got home the evening of the 4th and Cam and I went to watch the fireworks. It was fun except for the fact that earlier I accidently let his dog out and the dog ran away, and Cam had to chase after him for like a half an hour...and then I pissed him off because I kept asking for a glow stick. But yeah...other than that...it was fun. I started work two days later. Pirates weekend. OOOOOOH JOY! I had to stay overtime and work until 2:30am. I loved it sooo much. psh. Stupid pirates weekend. Since then I've just been working. Whooohooo. I am going to a Dashboard Confessional concert tomorrow with Cam, Amy, and Gabbie. I'm really excited. It should be lots of fun. I'll let you know. |
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| It's been a while... |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|02:21 pm] |
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Well I haven't updated in a loong time. I've been busy. Hmmm let's see. Well Cam and I became official on April 5th and it's been amazing ever since. I love him so much. Here's to 3 wonderful monthes and the hopes of many more. I ended up moving to Irvine on June 10th. I'm in a townhouse with some really cool girls. Cam helped me move in and we went furniture shopping at Ikea. It was a pretty stressful weekend, and I'm sure I got annoying. Then my roomies came by with their boyfriends and we all sat down and wrote out a roomate agreement. It was fun. Everyone seems really fun. Then everyone left, and I was sad b/c I was all alone. I started work right away on mon. It was soo boring. I missed my old theater. During that week I went and hung out at Oakenshield a couple of times. We drank at 4 in the afternoon to celebrate the end of their finals, people were passed out by 6. haha. That weekend Cam came down again to visit. It was really fun. I missed him. I sadly was really sick that weekend too. Then the next week they didn't schedual me at all at work. I was really mad. I was also really bored in Irvine all alone so I decided to move back home at the end of June. It was kind of cool being alone and having the house to myself b/c I felt really grown up but I just missed being around people at the same time. Back at home I got a job at the better theater up here and am really happy there. That's pretty much a brief overview of everything. yep yep. Peace out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|03:05 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bed | ] |
| [ | Currently Feeling |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | Currently Jammin To |
| | Dani California, Red Hot Chili Peppers | ] |
I am sooooo happy right now. SO happy.
I think I may be moving to Irvine in June. I don't know yet though. It will either be in june or august. I'm also getting a car because it's needed, end of story. I don't really know if I want to move in june though...it's so soon. I just got really used to being home, and going to work and being with Cam and now I might be leaving again. I'm sick of the changes!!! Oh well, I'll do whatever needs to be done. I may just pay rent for june and july but not live there.
I went to dinner with Cam at the Cuesta house tonight. It was really fun. I love that family. We just talked for hours. I felt really comfortable there.
Life is good.
I don't work tomorrow. So I may be going to the beach with the parents. Or not, it depends on if it rains. I would love to go to the beach but I also hope it rains. :)
Oh, and this is my new purse. haha
I'm hungry. hmmm. |
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| I = Sick |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|10:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my warm comfy bed | ] |
| [ | Currently Feeling |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | Currently Jammin To |
| | Heard em' Say, Kanye West | ] |
I am sick. I can't swallow, or talk without my thoat killing me. My head hurts...I can't breath. I keep coughing...GOD!!!! I hate being sick. I just wanna sleep. My trip to Irvine was fun. All 20 something people that were drinking for Adrian's birthday got in trouble, except for Gabbie, his brother and I because we just so happened to be out buying more beer. hahaha. I think that was the party to end all parties. umm, I went to a Swiss place with Gabbie to eat and we got some breaded veal...soooo good. Then this guy got jumped outside the place and we were like...what. Then the next night we were going to go to Glam, but hey, of course it got screwed up. So instead Adrian, Gabbie, Mitch and I went to the beach..and Adrian fell up the stairs and tried to describe a line as a circle. hahaha. It was very fun. umm, then Fri and went to see Cam in SLO. Whoooo 7 hour train ride!!!! yeah!!! haha it actually wasn't bad at all, pretty relaxing just way long. I met a guy that is probably a stalker. SLO was lots of fun. It's a pretty town. Cam and I went to the beach which was really cool cuz it had these cave like things there. I met his friend Danny who seems really awesome and the three of us went to "breakfast" at Ihop at like 4 in the afternoon. The rest of the time, we pretty much watched movies....and stuff. It was lots of fun. I left my flat iron in Irvine sooo I bought a new one today! yes! I was like...MUST have flat iron!!!! I also bought a really cute new purse and some socks. Yay!!! PURSE!!! It makes me happy. Today was also my first day working as a supervisor. Go me! Still don't have my silver nametag though. Sadness... OH! While in Irvine, the idiot I was supposed to live with next year decided to confront me about why I wasn't talking to him and called me childish and told me I never had a guarenteed spot in the house and some other shit that didn't make any sense. I said..um Fuck you along with some other things and walked out. I haven't been that angry in sooooo long. I was furious. Other than that, the past five days have been amazing. yay! I'm going to go keep being sick now and suffering...*cough*...meh. |
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| yaaaaaaaay! |
[Apr. 8th, 2006|06:09 pm] |
| [ | Currently Feeling |
| |  enthralled | ] |
I am having a fantastic day.
Like...really really good.
Like...GREAT!
haha yes.
I can't say why yet b/c it's a secret. Which is killing me!! haha but...oh well. As soon as I can say I will. It'll probably be tomorrow.
um..Irvine...3 days!!!!!!!!! soooo excited!
San Luis Obispo...6 days!!!! Also very exciting.
I had my first box shift today at work and did pretty well...I rung up a few passes wrong but only ended up 50 cents over. SOOOO pretty good for my first time.
I still don't have a place to live next year....and don't know what I'm going to do buuut I'll figure it out...I hope. |
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| FUUUUUUUUUUCK THIS SHIIIIT |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|06:52 pm] |
| [ | Currently Feeling |
| |  Pissed Off and Sad | ] |
| [ | Currently Jammin To |
| | Angry Music | ] |
So I basically got kicked out of my living arrangement with Mike, Tony and Jessie next year. Mike said they'd rather live with Janelle. What the fuck..like seriously how shity is that. So now I don't have a place to live. Can I find one, probably but it'll be with random ass people. Or I could just dorm again...but I don't want to do that. I don't want to go through all of that again and end up with a hall that will never live up to my expectations. FUUUCK!!!! What the hell am I going to do? It hurts to know that hey, your friends would rather live with someone else and they don't even care that they fucking screwed me over. Why do things alllllways get messed up for me? How come everyone else has everything planned and everthing's fine. It's not fair. I didn't even do anything to deserve this. Fuck this shit.
I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I really love UCI and wnat to go there b/c I love the school, and the atmosphere and really want to go back to my sorority. But I could go to Irvine Valley College too in order to save money. But that has nothing to offer me other than that. I could go to the Art Institute and get like the best training in photography, but that's it, plus it's freakin expensive. Or I can compleatly go in a different direction and go to school in a different city....or state.
My main feeling is that I really want UCI because I don't want to leave my friends...but I don't even know if they care about me that much. And this isn't still about the whole townhouse thing. I'm speaking in general now. I always seem to be hurt by the people I call my friends. All my friends keep saying the love me and everything, but I just can't believe it. I want to, I really do...but I just doubt it soooo much. I love my friends with all my heart but I've just been hurt so much it makes it hard for me to trust anyone anymore. Actions speak louder than words...and I haven't been seeing much action. It's like, they say I'm the life of the party, and the main part of things...and yet I am so easy to forget. But at the same time I feel really bad thinking like this b/c I don't want to hurt my friends by doubting their friendship but I can't help the way that I feel.
I hate that I think with my heart and can't think with my head.
I hate that I feel like everything is my fault.
I hate that I doubt everyone so much. |
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| aw |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|12:31 am] |
| [ | Currently Feeling |
| | loved | ] |
I got flowers last night. Nobody's ever bought me flowers before. : )
I saw V for Vendetta on sat at 12:20am. That movie is so...weird, but it's good. I liked it, it's just really very strange.
Went to CityWalk fri night with Cam, Ryen, and Andrew. It was fun. The guys had a good time catching up on things.
umm, everyone should go here: www.myspace.com/hetix it shows how much we all hate work. It is great.
Life is pretty much the same as always...work work work, hanging out here and there.
An extremely fun week coming up in 9 days. So close...I'm very excited.
I'm pretty happy right now. I was being a bitch a few days ago which sucks and I feel bad b/c now everything is different so yeah that sucks and I've been doing damage control.
OH! So, Janice Dickinson, the judge from America's Next Top Model, is staring in a TV show all about her starting her own modeling agency and she held an open call for models sat morning. I went, stood for 4.5 hours in the cold and rain in 3in heels, and all that happened was 20 of us went into her agency and she went down the line shook our hands and picked out three people. She told the rest of us we weren't what she was looking for thank you and goodbye. haha, I was like what the hell, it was like so fast, not even 5 min. Janice is so freaking beautiful. I was like whoa I just want to look at you. haha. It was fun though, I met a lot of super cool people. Everyone was really really nice. Then that night I went out with Cam, good times.
Sat was just a very, very, good day overall. |
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| I'm a bitch.... |
[Mar. 20th, 2006|08:25 pm] |
| [ | Currently Feeling |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | Currently Jammin To |
| | Everything | ] |
My tattoo!!!
YAY! I'm excited! It will be on my hip. Anywho, so today I put in my letter for a manager position at work. I really hope I get it!!! It would be sooo cool to be a manager. My interview will either be tomorrow or Wed. I also actually talked to somebody a little more and realized I was kind of wrong about them. I can be a judgmental bitch sometimes with people I don't know. My first impressions of people are normally way wrong and yet I still make them. I never really judge my friends though even if they do something really surprising b/c I know all of my friends are good people and have morals or else I wouldn't be friends with them. I'm scared to say it but things keep looking better and better for me! I really hope nothing happens to screw it up. I'm pretty happy right now. Oh! My Laura's home!!! haha, I miss that girl sooo much. YaY!!! Aaaaand....I'm going to the Price is Right on Thurs. YAAAAY! I need to get on the show, it is not an option. haha. I also get paid on fri. Yesss money!! Good times all around. I'm pretty excited about everything right now and it scares me. I don't want to get too happy just in case something bad happens, but I mean I should really just be enjoying life right now and not wondering if something bad is going to happen. Yay for life right now! =]
Pauline made a slideshow video of pics from Oakenshield. It freakin rocks. I love it. So many good memories. Many more to come.
By the way, I love my friends. You know who you are and if you're not sure, you probably aren't. haha. |
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| Pretty cool... |
[Mar. 19th, 2006|01:54 pm] |
| [ | Currently Feeling |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | Currently Jammin To |
| | Bat Country, Avenged Sevenfold | ] |
I think this is a really cool picture. It took like four of us and hour or so to find it but we did!
Flowers in the Attic
I'm working on my tattoo design. I'll put a picture of it up when I'm done. I need it to be perfect! I have two ideas that I'm working with. So yeah, that's my project for today since I have no work, thank God!
Peace out kids! |
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joanzee's journal